School is Hard Work

Shh! Fred and Bessie are still sleeping! Their adventures yesterday wore them plumb out! The battles with giant rodents seemed to take a lot out of them, but the work they had to do was even MORE taxing!


Y'all know, right, that the cows can't read? My kids are so ashamed that I'm willing to be seen in public with illiterate cows. It seems the bovines are also ashamed of their lack of mad reading and writing skillz. Poor babies. See Fred here, trying his hardest to write? I don't think they even speak English, so I wouldn't know how to teach them to write, but it looks like math might be its own universal language, since Fred picked up the pencil and just went to town on this workbook. Doesn't it look like a struggle just to write? And his handwriting is very poor - I couldn't make out a single equation.



I finally convinced Fred to put the pencil down - he was quite reluctant to do so - and the two wandered across the table (I was having lunch with my boy, Little Guy) to a Reading Comprehension practice test which someone had left. Yes, the children have big, bad standardized tests next week. Everyone has been frantically preparing for the tests, polishing skills and building their knowledge base. I walk past classrooms and hear quadratic equations being spouted by children and teachers alike, as well as sentence diagramming and state capitals being quoted. It's a lovely place to be this time of year. *sigh*

Oh! The practice test! Bessie seems to be sniffing it, trying to figure out exactly what it is. Little Guy tried telling her that it was for reading, that it was a test, but she and Fred were clueless. Sometimes I really wish I spoke Moo.


We thought that maybe reading them the rules would help, seeing as they're so eager to learn and all. When I got the bovines home, I attempted to implement some of these guidelines with them, but they kept eating the paper for their homework. I guess that when Little Guy tells his teacher that the cows ate his homework, he's not lying, huh?

Look at them, working so hard to read the poster! Hey, maybe I've been wrong all along about these two trying so hard to read. Maybe they look at the paper and see food? They sure were trying to leap from their perch to get to the poster, so maybe that's why? They will NEVER learn to read and write this way! Don't they understand how important these skills are? I'm very tired of having to read Captain Underpants to them every night, and especially of having to do that page flippy thing all the time. It's about time they learn to do it themselves. Especially with Captain Underpants. He's funny and all, but once you've read it about 30 times, it gets old. Ya know?


At last I was able to settle them down with a good book. Have I mentioned that they love being read to? Sure, they love humorous books, but you should have seen their eyes light up when I plopped them in front the Jaguar book! For delicate farm animals, they sure love wild predators! That's a pretty intimidating picture of a jaguar, if you ask me. But I read it, cover to cover, and they didn't move once. They just mooed a little when I was done, like they were kinda sad it was over. I was tempted to find another book, but it was time for me to head to Mrs. Clark's class and say goodbye to Little Guy.


Throwing away our lunch trash (wadding up the trash and shooting hoops from across the room is always fun when the teacher's not looking, isn't it?), our backs were turned to the cows. Maybe they thought I was ready to leave? Whatever they thought, when we turned around they were gone! Look where we found them! In Little Guy's desk! Which isn't nearly as messy as I thought it would be. But look what's on top of his desk, that sneaky thing! My Far Side comic book! I wonder if his teacher knows he's reading that when he should be doing schoolwork? And aren't Fred and Bessie cute, huddled together in there, trying to look invisible? If they just .. don't .. move ...


I grabbed them and put them in my purse. Lots of ugly mooing and jumping around at this point. They seemed relieved when I opened my purse and they found they were still at school.

Remember the debacle with the ferret yesterday, their escape from my purse? I was a bad bovine mommy, leaving it open for them to look around while I worked. One of the children found them at the computers, which aren't to be used without permission from the teacher. Fortunately for me, these two didn't know the password for access. Looks like they tried really hard till they were discovered. I wonder, though, what they would have done had they gained access to the school's computer files. Hmmm ...


To keep them out of mischief, I took them with me to the media room to make copies. I considered making copies of them, since they were jumping up and down on the platen glass, mooing and begging, but I thought that maybe their little hooves would scratch the glass. That, and the machine keeps track of how many copies each person makes. How on earth would I explain copies of my bovines little rear ends and faces to the principal? How embarrassing.


We left the media room to head back to the classroom, passing the office secretary on the way. The secretary was always my favorite person when I was in school. She always knew everybody and everything that was going on in school, as well as all the dirt on the teachers and parents It was definitely a plus to be on her good side. This school's secretary is no different, also being one of my favorite people in the school. Ms. Sandy knows EVERYTHING. And now she knows my cows! Poor Fred and Bessie, though - they think she's a fan. They don't meet too many grown ups, understand, and they think everyone they meet reads Flea's World and knows all about them. I'm just so grateful that they didn't try giving Ms. Sandy their autograph! Last time they did that they left little ink hoof prints all over the room.



I was finally able to steer the cows away from their new friend and back to the classroom. I WAS there to work, after all. One of the students kept them busy, teaching them to write, while I was grading papers and making construction paper folders. At least, he told me he TRIED teaching them to write. Bessie was fascinated with his fingernails and wouldn't leave them alone. She kept licking his fingers, nibbling on his nails, nudging him with her muzzle. I have no idea what was up with that. Unless this poor child had butter for lunch and had gotten some under his nails. Bessie LOVES butter!

They grew tired of learning to write, I guess, because the next thing I knew, the two of them were climbing on to the teacher's desk, commandeering her teacher's manual! Bad cows! How will cows, who can't read or speak English, teach an entire class of fourth graders? And teach them reading, no less? Silly cows!

It was about that time I packed them back in my purse. But Mrs. Clark suggested I take them to the library, since they seemed to love reading and books. I'll tell you all about THAT trip tomorrow. Until then ...

Moo to You!

Flea

The Bovines Go to School

Whew! What a day! This post will have to be in installments! Fred and Bessie decided to go to school with me this afternoon - well, they jumped in my purse when I wasn't looking and came along for the ride.

Thursdays are long days for me, but they're my favorite days. As a stay home mom for 14 years, and especially as a home schooling mom, I was accustomed to being with children all day. But when the kids went to public school this year, I first experienced a huge sense of freedom, then withdrawals. Fortunately for me, it turns out that I don't actually need to be around my own children. Spending Thursday afternoons in Mrs. Clark's fourth grade class is just enough! I volunteer, doing fun things like stuffing cubbies, creating bulleting boards and playing with the ferret.


Today, while I was stuffing cubbies (no, people, I wasn't feeding Twinkies to Cub Scouts), the bovines squirmed out of my purse and began exploring. Furt, the ferret, was out and about, rummaging through the trash. He loves Dr. Pepper, which, coincidentally, is also Mrs. Clark's favorite drink. he also loves my lipstick and will go through my purse to find my favorite tube of Clinique. Note to self: remember to put purse on table from now on.



It seems the cows have just enough sense to stay out of a ferret's way, but the sight of them running around was enough to start the children talking and giggling, getting me in trouble. Hey! I didn't know that I had stowaways when I left the house! I really am going to have to begin locking them in the china cabinet when I leave. Before I could catch those two rascals, they climbed into the guinea pig's cage. Maybe they sense that I'm a little afraid of Sir Squeaks-a-lot, since he likes to nibble fingers. Whatever it was, they wound up playing with Squeaks. Fred, who y'all know loves to climb, was excited to scale Squeaks' house.


Bessie, however, chose to meet Squeaks, beard him in his den, so to speak. Yes, I know, it looks as though he snuck up on her, but I choose to believe that she was brave and met him on her own terms. While nibbling on his apple. Maybe that wasn't so smart, huh, eating his food? Or maybe she saw how little he was compared to Furt and thought she could take him. Regardless, the results weren't exactly pretty. I don't think Bessie ever saw it coming.


Brutal, huh? Squeaks was throwing our cute Bessie ALL OVER that cage, picking her up by her hind legs and flipping her. It was the most horrid sight, but my mortal fear of guinea pigs kept me from intervening. Poor Bessie. And Fred! Don't EVEN get me started on Fred. He just stood there like a big bump on a log, watching the whole horrendous affair. Bad bull! Not standing up for your sweetie! She should drop kick his sorry self all the way back to the kitchen, let me tell you.



Just look at him, standing there, doing absolutely nothing to rescue his damsel in distress. Maybe he thinks he can bore a hole in Squeaks' head by staring intensely? Coward.









Well SOMEBODY finally rescued poor Bessie, but it wasn't me! Mrs. Clark to the rescue! The bovines were so excited that they leaped to her shoulders in a kind of victory parade. Doesn't Mrs. C look a lot like Linda Carter? She must be Wonder Woman, rescuing my babies from the evil Sir Squeaks-a-lot! They rode around on her shoulders for awhile, protesting loudly when she attempted to put them down. It was the funniest little sound, their tiny moo, moo, moos! In the end she managed to set them on the floor while I graded math worksheets.


It turns out that wasn't the greatest idea. They scampered around the room and had all the kids turning half way around in their desks, watching the two of them play. Well they ARE cute, you know! But they scampered across the hall when no one was looking, finding an open door and ducking in. Before we even knew they were gone, the teacher across the hall was screaming like a little girl. It seems she wasn't expecting two porcelain cows to run across her floor like little spotted mice. Think about it ... how would you react if they ran past your feet? I went running next door and found Bessie in the hamster wheel, of all places.


When I picked them up, the two struggled to jump from my hands as I passed the hamster cage. They were successful, as you can see, and managed to vault from my hands to the cage, waking the poor hamster! Doesn't he look sleepy? It took him a moment to get his bearings, to realize that there were intruders in his cage. When he finally figured out what was going on, Bessie was already contentedly grazing on cedar shavings (these two have the strangest tastes!), and Fred was sniffing out the Mr. Bedhead.


Mr. Hamster was a little put out, it seems, being so rudely awakened. He seems both cautious and inquisitive, does he not? Actually, he's kinda cute. No, he's downright adorable. Awww. I just wanna take him home in my pocket. If I knew he wouldn't pee in my pocket, then nibble a hole to freedom, leaving me with pee and no hamster.





It was especially cute when Mr. Hamster gave Fred a big ol' kiss! Bessie's still grazing. Isn't that sweet? Altogether now ... AAAWWWWW!!!
Well ...









Until Mr. Hamster went all ugly on Fred, in his face, calling him out. Maybe he was only tasting him before? I wonder if he tastes like chicken?









I'm leaving you with a final shot of Mr. Hamster as I reached in to rescue my moo moos. What an angry little face! I'm so very glad I didn't tuck this rodent in my pocket!

More tomorrow. We've just scratched the surface of our day at school, but I need to get the wee cows to bed.

Moo to You!

Flea

Enough Outings Already!

Raise your hand if you've heard of a Brown Cow. Get 'em up, all of you who've heard of one. Come on! According to my family, a Brown Cow is just a root beer, ice cream float. It has absolutely nothing to do with today's post. You're welcome.


Guess where Bessie and Fred have been? Guess! Guess! To Maybelline's guitar lesson!!! Yay! No, they weren't allowed to go in and practice, but they wandered around the shop the entire half hour, acting like bored children. The owner yelled at them when they began tap dancing on the face of this guitar. I know, right? I had NO IDEA that they could tap dance! It was so KOOL!!! But I guess the sound of porcelain hooves on the guitar was a little unnerving. Maybe it was that cracking sound ...




We spent some time browsing after that, even though I spend half an hour there every week. The owner didn't mind their curiosity, as long as they weren't damaging his merchandise. I was a little surprised by their choices, when allowed to pick picks. Pick picks. Heh. I mean, I shouldn't have been, but Fred ... well look at it! Ew. Sometimes I'm torn between taking the bovines out more often and just leaving them home.





Picks are all well and good, but I guess one of the things I'm finding out about these two is that traveling works up their appetites. I was busy paying for the picks and not paying them much mind. When I turned around they were in the snacks. At 75 cents apiece, I was a little frustrated. By the time I pulled them out, they'd opened a couple of the packages and were munching away.





So I had to fish out MORE money, paying for their lack of self-control, but this time I took them to the counter with me. Hah! Except, while I was digging around in my purse for loose change (always difficult to find), these two goobers we working their way down the OTHER side of the counter! They made their way into the open display case to get a better look at the ukulele we'd seen when coming into the store. They'd been practically jumping out of my hands earlier when I'd bent down to show it to them, so I guess they were pretty stoked about it. Obviously. Look at them! They're practically drooling over it! I can't tell you how profusely I had to apologize for this. See if I take them anywhere again ...



I considered talking to the owner and asking if he needed mascots for his shop, when I remembered that Buster, here, is the shop mascot. Isn't he the most adorable thing? One of these days I'm going to buy one of these t-shirts. I wonder if they come in Kow size ...

Moo to You!

Flea