Formica Fields

New York City!

2008-11-22T07:58:00.002-06:00

I am breathing a huge sigh of relief this morning. Can you hear me from there? Fred & Bessie showed up at Daryl's last night, Fred on his skateboard. They look so tired, but I'm grateful to Daryl for taking them in, and glad that they are safe. I think it's been awhile since she's had extra mouths to feed, so I hope she's ready for this! Shoot, I hope New York City's ready for this!

Moo to You!

Flea

On Their Way

2008-11-19T14:53:00.001-06:00

Fred and Bessie are on their way to New York City! I am so jealous of muh babees! Head to Daryl's and watch for them, will ya? Apparently Asthma Girl's chihuahuas smuggled them out in the dead of night, butter and chocolate loaded on Fred's new skateboard, and they've been traveling cross country. I'm so excited for them! But I miss them. :(

Moo to You!

Flea

Found!

2008-09-30T07:11:00.000-05:00

Hello! I'm awake! And the cows have been found! I know they were recovered days ago, but I've been out of it and haven't kept you all abreast of the situation. My most humble apologies.

Last I apprised you, Fred & Bessie were somewhere in Santa Fe, supposedly kidnapped, waiting for a large shipment of butter and chocolate to help them escape. I was having trouble getting them home, or anywhere else.

Enter the caped crusader, the defender of small ceramic cows, friend of bovine lovelies - Asthma Girl! She swooped in and save the day! I hope she's not regretting that decision. It seems Fred and Bessie are devouring all of her dairy products.

Thank you all for your attention to the kownapping, your suggestions in the matter. I'm so glad they're in safe hands. It seems we'll have to teach Bessie to read a map. We all know Fred won't read one. Or stop and ask for directions.

Moo to You!

Flea

Kownapped!

2008-09-22T09:37:00.003-05:00

Our bovine friends are in a world of trouble. I think. They seem to have been kownapped while en route from Texas to Washington. Here's the note I found:

My poor babies. I just wish I knew what to do.

Moo to You -

World Travelers

2008-06-16T11:31:00.001-05:00

Fred and Bessie have crossed the Pond! To see where in the world they are now, check out In the Gutter today. Looks like she's glad to welcome her new visitors! I may never get them home, but oh! they'll have so much to tell their grandkids!

Moo to You!

Flea

Happy Father's Day!

2008-06-15T11:42:00.000-05:00

Happy Father's Day!

Moo to You!

Flea

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-10T22:10:00.000-05:00

It's a Strong Name

2008-05-06T14:21:00.001-05:00

(continued from this post)

Finally! Talking with Perry out of Prissy’s hearing seemed to be the key. Stupid, stupid, stupid! How could he not have thought that Priscilla might be in the vitamin basket? She is so sneaky! Once he had Perry alone, the two were able to brainstorm names for quite awhile. He just knew Perry wasn’t as whipped as all that!

The final list was short, sure, but how many ‘best’ names could there be for his boy? And his favorite was sure to be a winner with Bessie – Magnus. No one would make fun of a little bull named Magnus. Ever. Even the runner’s up were enough to frighten other farm animals – Steele and Lance. All three had a certain ring to them. Noble. Sincere. Earthy, almost, without being kooky. Yes, Bessie was bound to agree to one of them.

As Fred approached the butter dish, his son gamboled out to greet him, eyes crossed while licking the butter off of his nose. Maybe Magnus wasn’t such a great fit after all. No! Fred licked his calf’s head and called for Bessie, not seeing her in the usual spot, resting against the butter. “Bessie!” There she was! Coming around the toaster, Bessie was all smiles, a wicked little glint in her eye. This could not be good. “Bessie, what have you done?”

“Fred! What do you mean? Hello to you, too! Did you and Perry have a nice chat? Don’t look at me like that? Where else would you be without me? Since we’ve had our son, you don’t go any further than Perry’s basket. What’s up?”

Nothing like a cow who thinks she knows everything to disarm a bull. Now what was he thinking when he walked up? Oh! Magnus! “Bessie, I’ve come up with a name that even you will love for our boy – Magnus! It’s strong and virile. None of the other farm animals will make fun of him for it. He’ll grow into it quite nicely. What do you think?”

Bessie looked surprised, as though she’d been caught off guard. In fact, she stood for a moment, quite speechless, until Fred was a little concerned, but pleased. Maybe this really WAS the right name! When she spoke, though, it was his turn to be speechless.

“Well, Fred, I was just talking to Prissy, and I had about decided to name the calf myself, without you. The names you’d chosen till now have all been rather – ridiculous.” The smirk was back, though a little shaky.

(to be continued)

And the Award Goes To ...

2008-04-27T22:17:00.003-05:00

I know, I know - no story up yet. It's my mom's fault. :D I had a great day today, partly due to her stopping by and visiting for a bit, as well as teaching me some Photoshop madness. So story tomorrow.

But! I have to give an award! The first ever Fred and Bessie Moo to You! award handed out on this site! Katie, at Overflowing Brain, is marking her first year anniversary of blogging today! Instead of giving her the blogiversary award, I'm giving her a special award from the Bovines, because I know they'd want me to. Even though they're still not home *sniff* And because this award serves double duty for her 5 month mark after brain surgery. Way cool. So make room on your trophy shelf, Katie! The cows have an award just for YOU!

Moo to You!

Flea

Safe Inside

2008-04-26T18:47:00.001-05:00

The bovines have finally been lured inside! Hoorah! Dlyn is a miracle worker.

Tomorrow (hopefully) a new installment of the continuing saga of Fred and Bessie!

Moo to You!

Flea

2008-04-24T15:48:00.002-05:00

Dlyn - the brave and wonderful and perseverant - is trying new means for luring Fred and Bessie in to her home. Hop over and see what she's attempting today. Maybe give suggestions for what may work. Those little buggers keep skittering away every time they see her! Maybe she could set some of her kitchen cow collection outside, let them know they're not alone, see if they'll have a conversation? Just a thought.

It's comforting knowing where they are and that they're in good hands. Good luck, Dlyn! And thank you!

Moo to You!

Flea

P.S. To entertain you, in their absence, a lolkows photo I did to keep me from falling apart:

moar funny pictures

Washing the Cat

2008-04-23T20:27:00.002-05:00

My husband suggested I post this video with this post, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It's horrid. Don't watch it.

I thought you'd enjoy this little story I wrote recently. Here, for your reading pleasure, How Not to Wash the Cat:

"Mom, can we wash the cat?"

"No."

"Mom, can we wash the cat?"

"No."

"Mom, the cat's been rolling in the sand. He's really dirty. Can we wash the cat?"

"No, cats wash themselves. Don't ask again."

"Mom, can we wash the cat PLEASE?"

"Fine. You want to wash the cat, go wash the cat.'

My brother and I grabbed the cat and made a break for the bathroom. Lou, our cat, rolls in sand all the time and it turns him from orange to brown. He also gets sand all over my bed while I’m at school. Mom says if I made my bed every morning I wouldn't have to sleep on sandy sheets. I think if I washed the cat I wouldn't have to sleep on sandy sheets. I hate sandy sheets. And I know Lou hates being brown.

"Don't forget the towels and shampoo!" called Mom. "And keep the bathroom door closed! Let your brother run some water first. And keep the bathroom door CLOSED!"

"Alright, Mom!" Geez! You'd think I was two or something. I know how to wash a cat!

Lou doesn’t like water much, and he started squirming when my brother started the water running. Good thing I closed the door. Holding squirmy Lou, I leaned over the tub to see if there was enough water – and I let go of the cat. But he didn’t fall in. Instead, he grabbed my shirt with his claws. My shirt? He grabbed my skin and muscles and even my BONES with his claws! Little twinkly lights were jumping all around the room while my brother peeled Lou off of me.

I ran out of the bathroom, slammed the door, shot past my mom to the kitchen. “Where are you going?” asked Mom.

“Band-aids.”

Back in the bathroom, my brother was washing the cat without me. I could hear him, Lou I mean, meowling and screeching. I could hear the water splashing. I could hear my brother yelling something. Something I think I’ve heard Daddy yell when he’s fixing something and doesn’t think we’re listening. I ran back in, slamming the door shut behind me.

“Wait! I wanted to wash the cat!” Lou was covered in bubbles and my brother was soaking wet, with red scratches all over his face, crying a little. He says to tell you that he wasn’t crying, but I saw him. He says it was just the water from the tub. I know crying, and he was crying. I ran back to the kitchen, slamming the bathroom door behind me.

When I passed Mom she asked, “Where are you going?”

“Band-aids.”

When I opened the door, my brother was holding Lou by the tail with both hands, both of them yelling. I grabbed the towel and wrapped it around the cat. Brother says, “Cover his head! Wrap him tighter! Don’t let him go!” Then I walked down the hall to my Mom and set the cat in her lap, towel and all.

“We’re done,” I say. “You can dry him.”

I think, when we left the room, I heard Mom laugh.

Moo to You!

Flea

What's in a Name?

2008-04-22T23:05:00.001-05:00

(continued from here)

When would he ever learn? Bessie may not be the most assertive cow, but she certainly wasn’t backing down this time. A name is one of the most important things a mama can give her calf, and this little bull was going to get the best one for him. So what if Fred didn’t like her choices? He’d made it pretty clear what he thought of her list. Very, very clear.

She understood what the little one had to face in life – the ridicule from the other animals, torture from the Giants, blinding flashes from the redheaded Giant’s device (possibly causing blindness in one so young), dust accumulation, smoke inhalation, the list was endless. Facing that kind of life with a name like Taurus was ridiculous. None of the others in the kitchen would have anything to do with her calf if she saddled him with that! Why, just look at the way they treated poor Phoenix, the goose creamer’s son down the way. Of course, what a silly goose was thinking, naming one of its children after such a noble bird … that was neither here nor there. Her son was going to have a normal name, not one which set him above the others and called ridicule on him.

Priscilla understood, even if her husband did not. Prissy had common sense, she did. She loved the name Wallace nearly as much as Bessie. Wallace had character. It was stable. Comfortable. Strong. No one would pick on a Wallace. Her little bull even looked like a Wallace. Well, at least right now he looked like a Wally. And that would just have to do.

Would Fred hear her out? Noooo. She’d get as far as, “Minotaur is a noble, strong name, I agree, but the other creatures will think he’s too proud. They’ll make fun of him.” He’d shut her down every time. His moo would grow loud and agitated. She learned that she couldn’t have these conversations while the Giants were awake. Fred was just too darn loud. Maybe she’d just have to name the calf and get it over with.

(to be continued)

Stay Tuned!

2008-04-22T21:51:00.002-05:00

Coming soon: a new addition to the continuing saga of Fred and Bessie. Stay tuned!

They're FOUND!!!

2008-04-22T19:17:00.003-05:00

What's that old saying? Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition! Fred and Bessie have been found! I can't exactly say that they're safe and sound, but they look to be intact. Yay!!! Thank you, Dlyn, for watching over them! I hope they'll come in for you soon. If they don't I don't know WHAT I'll do! Poor little cows.

A Huge Break!

2008-04-21T07:33:00.003-05:00

There's been a major break in the case of the missing cows! I received an email this morning from an unknown address, one I've had no luck tracking, with this attached picture:

So they're in New York. Or someplace called Noo Yorck. I'm going to go through my blogroll later today and see if I know anyone in New York, since I don't know anyone in real life there, and ask if any of my bloggy friends have seen them. I might alert the authorities, but I don't know if this means the City or the state, which is huge. From the look of the picture, it's probably not the City. My poor little cows, lost and alone, halfway across the country. Please help me find them and get them home? I'm offering autographed photos of the bovines - they signed them a few days before they disappeared, for a publicity thing they never got to - for anyone offering solid leads to where they are. Please keep an eye out for them! Thank you! Moo to You! Flea

A Good, Strong Lead

2008-04-19T16:03:00.003-05:00

An anonymous tip leads me to believe that Fred and Bessie are traveling to New York. I looked into the tips about their new modeling career, but nothing came of it. It seems someone with an airbrush, a clever someone, has touched up another pair of cows to make them closely resemble my cows. I know my cows, though, and they ain't mine. No, they're almost definitely working their way to New York.

The anonymous tipsters - I call them that for good reason - left a tiny note, written in ketchup on my kitchen counter. There were multiple red hoof marks - little split hooves - all around the note. I wish I'd taken a picture, but the Hunny took the camera with him to Cub World (he's on a camping trip with the boys). It said, "The kowz r gon to Nu Yrk. Dont look fer them heer nymoor." Took me awhile to decipher it. By then the ketchup was a sticky and stinky and I scrubbed the counter. But I'm pretty sure it means, "The cows are gone to New York. Don't look for them here anymore."

So anyone out there, in that vicinity, please keep an eye open for my little darlings. If you see them, please try and find out why they left? I'm going to light a candle here and hope for the best.

Moo to You -

Flea

What We Have So Far

2008-04-17T16:28:00.002-05:00

I am sad to report that there is so far no sign of Fred and Bessie. Here's what we know so far:

I found a photo of the two staring toward the east coast of the US on a map.

There were hoof prints in the butter.

Perry and Priscilla Pig are being awfully closemouthed now, acting suspiciously.

The bovines love road trips.

Lou didn't take them (as much as he loves milk, his preference is birds and it's spring).

The children didn't take them.

The Hunny misses them. A little. Very little.

I miss them. A lot. Very lot.

They don't seem to be in the house at all, and the neighborhood signs yield no results.

There were signs of them in the yard, but I think that's just in my head.

Here's another picture, so you don't forget what they look like, and so you can find them. I'm giving three rewards - different autographed pictures of the cows. That was all they could do when we were working on them. I threw away the ones with the spilled ink and hoof prints covering Bessie's face. Don't ask. Long story. Stupid cows.

Never mind. Stupid Blogger. It's not loading pictures right now. :(

Moo to You -

Flea

A Clue?

2008-04-16T08:19:00.000-05:00

So I'm cleaning the kitchen this morning (yes, people, I leave a sink full of dishes every night - don't act so surprised - I like doing dishes in the morning), and I find this:

Could this be a hint???? I found this photo shoved under some other papers on the kitchen counter. Looks like F& B were looking at maps online - and they seem to be looking in an easterly direction? What could this mean?

Of course, this raises other questions. Like, how did they get upstairs to the Hunny's computer? This isn't my laptop. And who helped them take this picture, then hid it in my paperwork (anything tucked in the stack is as good as lost in this house)? It looks like they might have taken off on a road trip. Stink. Many of you are east of here, so please keep an eye out for them? Meanwhile, I'm going to keep canvassing the neighborhood (though so far all searches have been fruitless).

Again, and now especially, if you have any leads please let me know? I'm giving an autographed, signed picture of the bovines to anyone who locates them. They signed the picture of Fred kissing the hamster, even though Bessie got it a little messy. She wasn't too pleased with that shot.

Thank you, thank you! I'm hopeful and scared!

Moo to You!

2008-04-15T09:17:00.003-05:00

Please, if you have the time and inclination, post this where people can see it? And maybe let people know that there's butter involved. On their hooves, I mean. It might be a clue. Or if there's butter missing, or tracked all over the furniture. It might be these two. It might be something else, but I don't have the energy to worry about that right now.

As I stated in the post below, the reward is simple. Some autographed publicity photos that the cows and I were working on last week. Thank you.

Moo to You -

Flea

Small Reward Offered in the Disappearance of Cows

2008-04-15T07:08:00.002-05:00

Panic is beginning to set in. People, I have asked my children, my Hunny, looked everywhere in the house and car - no cows. I'm on high alert here. In fact, I'm offering a reward for whoever finds them. Nothing big - I still owe the state of Oklahoma money. :( But maybe some autographed photos of the bovines? We were preparing for a local publicity stunt last week, and I was dinking around with Photoshop while Fred and Bessie pushed buttons on the printer (drove me crazy! I kept yelling at them every time they'd make the red light blink frantically. FINALLY got pictures of them printed! And you should have SEEN the ridiculous affair of trying to get those two to sign their names! They can't write - what was I thinking? We threw a lot of them away, but I have a couple of cute shots with their little hoof prints on them).

So I'm thinking they ran away from home. How far could they get, really? And where would they go? I'm going to work, today, on reward posters with their picture to post around the neighborhood and close to home. Probably have the kids out on their bikes asking the neighbor kids if they've seen any suspicious activity.

Help? Please? PLEASE?!? I know we can find them if we work together. Thank you! I love you all! MWAH!

Moo to You!

Flea

Trying to Remain Calm

2008-04-14T07:27:00.003-05:00

Ok, I'm trying not to panic. I got up this morning and the bovines were GONE. It's been over an hour now, I've scanned the house, put out popcorn kernels, and can't kind them anywhere. Remind me to get the popcorn up before I go to bed, so it doesn't attract mice. Unless Fred and Bessie show up and eat it, which is what I'm hoping will happen.

I got up, made the coffee, woke the kids, walked over to the cutting board to pat the cows on the head, and they WEREN'T THERE. At all. It happens occasionally, but they're usually on the counter SOMEWHERE. Not this morning. And I can't find them anywhere. It's starting to freak me out a little. I'm not usually given to panic, but this just isn't like them.

I did post about it on my blog, but I thought I'd give the heads up to readers here. And if they don't show up soon, this is where I'll continue to post till I find them. I'll try not to be annoying, like the TV news programs. But I AM worried. Y'all, help!

Moo to You -

Flea

Fred Asks for Help

2008-04-13T17:53:00.000-05:00

(Continued)

What if cows gave root beer instead of milk?

He couldn’t get that stupid sentence out of his head. For days Fred had walked around, bored, waiting for Bessie to have a little bit of free time for him, when one of the Giants had asked the question. Root beer. Grr.

Well my boy would be dead, is what would happen. Don’t those Giants realize milk nourishes my calf? Bessie might have snorted milk out of her nose when I told her what Oatmeal Head said, but I don’t think it was funny at all. How would they like it if I gave their calves root beer? Maybe that’s what their mamas produce! It would serve them right.

Still fuming, his thoughts jumped track, back to the name for their little bull. So far Bessie had come up with a whole list of idiotic names, while vetoing all of his perfectly thought out names. What on earth was wrong with Taurus or Minotaur? They spoke strength and courage! Things a little bull needs! She was so stubborn sometimes! He only wished his dad had cared enough to name him so well! Frederick – a name only a mother could give. Paugh.

And what names had Bessie come up with? Alfred, Earnest, Wallace – pansy names! He’d be laughed right out of the kitchen! When he’d said as much to Bessie, she’s simply smiled and licked Fred behind the ear. The nerve! Then she had the nerve to ask if that meant he, Fred, would be laughed out of the kitchen, or their calf! Of all the … words didn’t do it justice.

He was just going to have to take matters into his own hands. Their new friends, Perry and Priscilla, the pigs who now lived in the vitamin basket, would understand. Well, Perry would understand. Priscilla, with her pink ribbon and dainty hooves, would certainly side with Bessie. He’d march right over – limp over, since his side still hurt - and get Perry’s opinion. He was NOT going down without a fight.

Of all the times for Bessie to grow a spine! Giving birth really changed her. Well, maybe it wasn’t giving birth, exactly. She came back from that glue mission a different cow. Whatever it was, she’s just wrong about this!

Hearing a grunt, Fred looked up to find Perry staring at him, almost muzzle to snout. Oop! He hadn’t realized how far he’d walked. Standing near the vitamin basket was Perry, watching Fred closely, as though he was afraid of what Fred was thinking. The anxious look faded as Fred relaxed and gave Perry his best smile. This was not a good time to trigger Perry’s anxiety disorder.

“Perry! Just the pig I wanted to see! How’s Prissy? All well in the basket? You guys making yourselves at home?” Fred paused to let Perry take all of this in, knowing he was a little slow on the uptake. Best to take the conversation at Perry’s pace.

“Fred! Prissy’s doing great! Just jealous of your Bessie, if you know what I mean. How are you, bo? The side still giving you trouble? I wish I’d been here to help when you fell.” (If Fred had to hear that one more time he was going to kick Perry’s snout in!) “Bessie and the calf doing okay?” Perry shuffled back a little, swaying his head back and forth as though sniffing the air, something which drove Fred crazy. What, was he always looking for food? Whatever. The mission; that’s what mattered. Focus.

“Perry, my swine, I’m in need of a testosterone filled opinion. One which only a true male of the species can give. You’re the first guy I thought of. In fact, you’re the only one I thought of! You got a minute?” Fred moved in a bit, winking and grinning.

“Uhh … sure, Fred. What’s going on? I don’t know how much I can help …” As Perry’s voice trailed off, head dropping slightly, Fred grinned a little broader. So close.

“Perry, we still don’t have a name for Junior over there. I’ve gone through every name I can think of – everything strong and bullish – but nothing seems to fit the little guy. I know how much Bessie thinks of your opinion, and I know you love labeling stuff … no, don’t deny it! You come up with the best names for everything! Whadda ya say? Help me out? It needs to be beefy, brawny, rugged. Help me out?”

Perry looked a little nervous. No, Perry looked a lot nervous. Had Bessie already gotten to Priscilla? No, she couldn’t have. She never left that calf long enough to talk to anyone, much less to Prissy. It was just Perry being piggish. He couldn’t help it.

“See, the thing is, Fred, I don’t think I can help you. Prissy says Bessie has already picked out names for the little guy. And I really like some of them. I mean, if you want me to tell you the ones I like the most, if that will help you make a decision and make Bessie happy, I can do that.” Perry edged away from Fred, his head swaying violently, front feet tapping a rhythm on the Formica. Fred had never seen Perry so agitated. What the heck? Did Prissy have him that fettered? “I really like Wallace. You could call him Wally. Or Wall-wall. It would suit the little bull, Wallace would.”

Could Perry see the pepper coming out of Fred’s ears? He couldn’t believe what he was hearing!

(to be continued)

The La-la-la-library!

2008-04-12T19:06:00.021-05:00

Have you ever seen one of these? Did you know that they existed? I found myself digging through my purse for change, just so I could see what these gel pens look like (fresh out of change). How cool is this? Since when did schools begin dispensing supplies like a truck stop restroom?

So we were on our way to the school library (after Mrs. Clark kicked us out when the bovines tried taking over the classroom - the little dictators), when we passed this vending machine. Fred was suddenly all wiggly, trying to jump out of my purse. Thank goodness for a strong magnetic flap keeping it closed! I guess he had his head poking out of the corner, watching the world go by, when he saw this thing and went nuts. I had to stop and make sure everything was okay, taking the two of them out, and Fred tried climbing up my arm to get to the machine. I thought it a perfect photo opp, but I had to drop the camera to avert disaster, so you won't see the shot I missed - these two climbing down to crawl into the machine. What goes through the head of a ceramic cow?

Once I'd rescued them, I looked up to find that we were two steps from the library. Inside we were met by a librarian with a million questions. Did the cows have ID badges? No. Had they signed in at the office? Yes. What was their reading level? Illiterate. Could they please keep their voices down? Maybe. At least we weren't asked to leave. We've been places where Fred and Bessie's antics have gotten us kicked out pretty quickly. Like Mrs. Clark's class just a few minutes before!

I let the moos know, in no uncertain terms, that this would be their LAST outing if they couldn't behave themselves. They listened and nodded quietly. Deceptive creatures.

One of the recommended reads for Oklahoma children is Magic Tree House. No no no. It's Twisters and Other Terrible Storms. I mean, both together. This time of year in Oklahoma, the school system loves to frighten children, forcing them to read about houses flying through the air, landing on witches, and tiny green people in spacecraft singing sappy songs about riddles and chocolate.

Wait. What?

I don't even know what to say about this. I got nuthin'. Since I don't speak Moo, Fred and Bessie got nuthin'. So don't ask. Okay?

We found what looked like a vast parade of Mardi Gras floats littering the tops of bookshelves. Since the bovines were unfamiliar with Mardi Gras, I gave them a brief explanation. At least, they looked puzzled about the floats. But I think they looked even MORE puzzled when I was done. What is so difficult to understand about a holiday which requires some people to dress up, ride on giant moving platforms, waving at people while throwing beads, candy and doubloons, and a crowd which presses in screaming "Throw me somethin' mister!"? Sounds kinda cool, right?

These two might have been confused, but they didn't have any trouble understanding that these floats had been built just their size. They walked around staring at all of them, climbing on to certain floats, probably practicing their telepathy, from the look of it. And it appears the owls are better at telepathy than the cows.

Doesn't it?

Here we have Sir George and the Headless Dragon. Don't you remember that story? There's a headless dragon terrorizing the countryside, striking fear into the hearts of men, women and children with its fiery ... with its fiery farts. Houses are burning, haystacks going up in flames, entire cows and pigs become barbeque feasts, all because of this dragon. There's no one to save them! When suddenly! From seemingly nowhere! Sir George arrives to SLAY said dragon! His noble steed is fried to a crisp when Sir George rides up from behind, hoping to take the dragon by surprise. I guess he did. And if he were honest, George would admit that his suit of armor was a might toasty. But he ran beneath the dragon, piercing its soft underbelly with his sword, killing it and saving the countryside from further mayhem.

Now this one I thought I understood until I looked at these pictures. The bovines spent the longest time enjoying this float, checking out the strange creatures here. Isn't that a beautiful pink and white kitty? I mean owl? I mean ... what the heck IS that thing? Well Fred and Bessie didn't seem to care, and it seemed friendly enough, so I'm not going to fret over it.

We finally started back to the classroom, since I had work to finish and all, and none of us could resist the fish tank near the office. I wish I knew if Fred and Bessie could swim - I might have let them in to join the fish. And I'm pretty sure these two are herbivores, but it's better to be safe than sorry. Thinking about it, the holes on their backs would probably let in too much water and the cows would drown. Good thing I kept them high and dry!

Coming back to the classroom, I set straight to work, since that's the kind of girl I am. Hard working, naturally. I could have sworn I put Fred and Bessie in a safe place, out of reach from both the Ferret and Sir Squeaks. Up high, out of harm's way, near standard school text books and papers. Hearing a distressed moo, I turned to find they'd made their way across the shelf to Yorick's skull and didn't seem too pleased with what they'd found. When I moved them they were quiet while I finished my work. Perhaps they thought Mrs. Clark would employ some terminal punishment for misbehaving cows.

Soon it was time to go home. Soon? Did I say soon?!? It's taken me three days to write about one afternoon with these two trouble makers! Not soon enough is more like it! I need a nap just writing about it!

Moo to You!

Flea

Kowz

2008-04-12T08:33:00.002-05:00

Lookit! Lookit! Lookit! Zobabe at Next Day's News has come up with even MORE of the lol kows! I love this one!

moar funny pictures

I never thought about Fred's flavor before. Or why Mr. Hamster had to keep licking, then biting him. Poor Fred. Persecuted for his taste.

Or this one!

moar funny pictures

That's my kids on a trip. Ugh.

I'll have the rest of our school trip up later today. The library was so much fun and I don't want you to miss any of it! But first, a morning meeting. On a Saturday. I know, right?

Moo to You!

Flea

School is Hard Work

2008-04-11T10:42:00.016-05:00

Shh! Fred and Bessie are still sleeping! Their adventures yesterday wore them plumb out! The battles with giant rodents seemed to take a lot out of them, but the work they had to do was even MORE taxing!

Y'all know, right, that the cows can't read? My kids are so ashamed that I'm willing to be seen in public with illiterate cows. It seems the bovines are also ashamed of their lack of mad reading and writing skillz. Poor babies. See Fred here, trying his hardest to write? I don't think they even speak English, so I wouldn't know how to teach them to write, but it looks like math might be its own universal language, since Fred picked up the pencil and just went to town on this workbook. Doesn't it look like a struggle just to write? And his handwriting is very poor - I couldn't make out a single equation.

I finally convinced Fred to put the pencil down - he was quite reluctant to do so - and the two wandered across the table (I was having lunch with my boy, Little Guy) to a Reading Comprehension practice test which someone had left. Yes, the children have big, bad standardized tests next week. Everyone has been frantically preparing for the tests, polishing skills and building their knowledge base. I walk past classrooms and hear quadratic equations being spouted by children and teachers alike, as well as sentence diagramming and state capitals being quoted. It's a lovely place to be this time of year. *sigh*

Oh! The practice test! Bessie seems to be sniffing it, trying to figure out exactly what it is. Little Guy tried telling her that it was for reading, that it was a test, but she and Fred were clueless. Sometimes I really wish I spoke Moo.

We thought that maybe reading them the rules would help, seeing as they're so eager to learn and all. When I got the bovines home, I attempted to implement some of these guidelines with them, but they kept eating the paper for their homework. I guess that when Little Guy tells his teacher that the cows ate his homework, he's not lying, huh?

Look at them, working so hard to read the poster! Hey, maybe I've been wrong all along about these two trying so hard to read. Maybe they look at the paper and see food? They sure were trying to leap from their perch to get to the poster, so maybe that's why? They will NEVER learn to read and write this way! Don't they understand how important these skills are? I'm very tired of having to read Captain Underpants to them every night, and especially of having to do that page flippy thing all the time. It's about time they learn to do it themselves. Especially with Captain Underpants. He's funny and all, but once you've read it about 30 times, it gets old. Ya know?

At last I was able to settle them down with a good book. Have I mentioned that they love being read to? Sure, they love humorous books, but you should have seen their eyes light up when I plopped them in front the Jaguar book! For delicate farm animals, they sure love wild predators! That's a pretty intimidating picture of a jaguar, if you ask me. But I read it, cover to cover, and they didn't move once. They just mooed a little when I was done, like they were kinda sad it was over. I was tempted to find another book, but it was time for me to head to Mrs. Clark's class and say goodbye to Little Guy.

Throwing away our lunch trash (wadding up the trash and shooting hoops from across the room is always fun when the teacher's not looking, isn't it?), our backs were turned to the cows. Maybe they thought I was ready to leave? Whatever they thought, when we turned around they were gone! Look where we found them! In Little Guy's desk! Which isn't nearly as messy as I thought it would be. But look what's on top of his desk, that sneaky thing! My Far Side comic book! I wonder if his teacher knows he's reading that when he should be doing schoolwork? And aren't Fred and Bessie cute, huddled together in there, trying to look invisible? If they just .. don't .. move ...

I grabbed them and put them in my purse. Lots of ugly mooing and jumping around at this point. They seemed relieved when I opened my purse and they found they were still at school.

Remember the debacle with the ferret yesterday, their escape from my purse? I was a bad bovine mommy, leaving it open for them to look around while I worked. One of the children found them at the computers, which aren't to be used without permission from the teacher. Fortunately for me, these two didn't know the password for access. Looks like they tried really hard till they were discovered. I wonder, though, what they would have done had they gained access to the school's computer files. Hmmm ...

To keep them out of mischief, I took them with me to the media room to make copies. I considered making copies of them, since they were jumping up and down on the platen glass, mooing and begging, but I thought that maybe their little hooves would scratch the glass. That, and the machine keeps track of how many copies each person makes. How on earth would I explain copies of my bovines little rear ends and faces to the principal? How embarrassing.

We left the media room to head back to the classroom, passing the office secretary on the way. The secretary was always my favorite person when I was in school. She always knew everybody and everything that was going on in school, as well as all the dirt on the teachers and parents It was definitely a plus to be on her good side. This school's secretary is no different, also being one of my favorite people in the school. Ms. Sandy knows EVERYTHING. And now she knows my cows! Poor Fred and Bessie, though - they think she's a fan. They don't meet too many grown ups, understand, and they think everyone they meet reads Flea's World and knows all about them. I'm just so grateful that they didn't try giving Ms. Sandy their autograph! Last time they did that they left little ink hoof prints all over the room.

I was finally able to steer the cows away from their new friend and back to the classroom. I WAS there to work, after all. One of the students kept them busy, teaching them to write, while I was grading papers and making construction paper folders. At least, he told me he TRIED teaching them to write. Bessie was fascinated with his fingernails and wouldn't leave them alone. She kept licking his fingers, nibbling on his nails, nudging him with her muzzle. I have no idea what was up with that. Unless this poor child had butter for lunch and had gotten some under his nails. Bessie LOVES butter!

They grew tired of learning to write, I guess, because the next thing I knew, the two of them were climbing on to the teacher's desk, commandeering her teacher's manual! Bad cows! How will cows, who can't read or speak English, teach an entire class of fourth graders? And teach them reading, no less? Silly cows!

It was about that time I packed them back in my purse. But Mrs. Clark suggested I take them to the library, since they seemed to love reading and books. I'll tell you all about THAT trip tomorrow. Until then ...

Moo to You!

Flea

The Bovines Go to School

2008-04-10T20:14:00.019-05:00

Whew! What a day! This post will have to be in installments! Fred and Bessie decided to go to school with me this afternoon - well, they jumped in my purse when I wasn't looking and came along for the ride.

Thursdays are long days for me, but they're my favorite days. As a stay home mom for 14 years, and especially as a home schooling mom, I was accustomed to being with children all day. But when the kids went to public school this year, I first experienced a huge sense of freedom, then withdrawals. Fortunately for me, it turns out that I don't actually need to be around my own children. Spending Thursday afternoons in Mrs. Clark's fourth grade class is just enough! I volunteer, doing fun things like stuffing cubbies, creating bulleting boards and playing with the ferret.

Today, while I was stuffing cubbies (no, people, I wasn't feeding Twinkies to Cub Scouts), the bovines squirmed out of my purse and began exploring. Furt, the ferret, was out and about, rummaging through the trash. He loves Dr. Pepper, which, coincidentally, is also Mrs. Clark's favorite drink. he also loves my lipstick and will go through my purse to find my favorite tube of Clinique. Note to self: remember to put purse on table from now on.

It seems the cows have just enough sense to stay out of a ferret's way, but the sight of them running around was enough to start the children talking and giggling, getting me in trouble. Hey! I didn't know that I had stowaways when I left the house! I really am going to have to begin locking them in the china cabinet when I leave. Before I could catch those two rascals, they climbed into the guinea pig's cage. Maybe they sense that I'm a little afraid of Sir Squeaks-a-lot, since he likes to nibble fingers. Whatever it was, they wound up playing with Squeaks. Fred, who y'all know loves to climb, was excited to scale Squeaks' house.

Bessie, however, chose to meet Squeaks, beard him in his den, so to speak. Yes, I know, it looks as though he snuck up on her, but I choose to believe that she was brave and met him on her own terms. While nibbling on his apple. Maybe that wasn't so smart, huh, eating his food? Or maybe she saw how little he was compared to Furt and thought she could take him. Regardless, the results weren't exactly pretty. I don't think Bessie ever saw it coming.

Brutal, huh? Squeaks was throwing our cute Bessie ALL OVER that cage, picking her up by her hind legs and flipping her. It was the most horrid sight, but my mortal fear of guinea pigs kept me from intervening. Poor Bessie. And Fred! Don't EVEN get me started on Fred. He just stood there like a big bump on a log, watching the whole horrendous affair. Bad bull! Not standing up for your sweetie! She should drop kick his sorry self all the way back to the kitchen, let me tell you.

Just look at him, standing there, doing absolutely nothing to rescue his damsel in distress. Maybe he thinks he can bore a hole in Squeaks' head by staring intensely? Coward.

Well SOMEBODY finally rescued poor Bessie, but it wasn't me! Mrs. Clark to the rescue! The bovines were so excited that they leaped to her shoulders in a kind of victory parade. Doesn't Mrs. C look a lot like Linda Carter? She must be Wonder Woman, rescuing my babies from the evil Sir Squeaks-a-lot! They rode around on her shoulders for awhile, protesting loudly when she attempted to put them down. It was the funniest little sound, their tiny moo, moo, moos! In the end she managed to set them on the floor while I graded math worksheets.

It turns out that wasn't the greatest idea. They scampered around the room and had all the kids turning half way around in their desks, watching the two of them play. Well they ARE cute, you know! But they scampered across the hall when no one was looking, finding an open door and ducking in. Before we even knew they were gone, the teacher across the hall was screaming like a little girl. It seems she wasn't expecting two porcelain cows to run across her floor like little spotted mice. Think about it ... how would you react if they ran past your feet? I went running next door and found Bessie in the hamster wheel, of all places.

When I picked them up, the two struggled to jump from my hands as I passed the hamster cage. They were successful, as you can see, and managed to vault from my hands to the cage, waking the poor hamster! Doesn't he look sleepy? It took him a moment to get his bearings, to realize that there were intruders in his cage. When he finally figured out what was going on, Bessie was already contentedly grazing on cedar shavings (these two have the strangest tastes!), and Fred was sniffing out the Mr. Bedhead.

Mr. Hamster was a little put out, it seems, being so rudely awakened. He seems both cautious and inquisitive, does he not? Actually, he's kinda cute. No, he's downright adorable. Awww. I just wanna take him home in my pocket. If I knew he wouldn't pee in my pocket, then nibble a hole to freedom, leaving me with pee and no hamster.

It was especially cute when Mr. Hamster gave Fred a big ol' kiss! Bessie's still grazing. Isn't that sweet? Altogether now ... AAAWWWWW!!!
Well ...

Until Mr. Hamster went all ugly on Fred, in his face, calling him out. Maybe he was only tasting him before? I wonder if he tastes like chicken?

I'm leaving you with a final shot of Mr. Hamster as I reached in to rescue my moo moos. What an angry little face! I'm so very glad I didn't tuck this rodent in my pocket!

More tomorrow. We've just scratched the surface of our day at school, but I need to get the wee cows to bed.

Moo to You!

Flea

Enough Outings Already!

2008-04-09T14:59:00.014-05:00

Raise your hand if you've heard of a Brown Cow. Get 'em up, all of you who've heard of one. Come on! According to my family, a Brown Cow is just a root beer, ice cream float. It has absolutely nothing to do with today's post. You're welcome.

Guess where Bessie and Fred have been? Guess! Guess! To Maybelline's guitar lesson!!! Yay! No, they weren't allowed to go in and practice, but they wandered around the shop the entire half hour, acting like bored children. The owner yelled at them when they began tap dancing on the face of this guitar. I know, right? I had NO IDEA that they could tap dance! It was so KOOL!!! But I guess the sound of porcelain hooves on the guitar was a little unnerving. Maybe it was that cracking sound ...

We spent some time browsing after that, even though I spend half an hour there every week. The owner didn't mind their curiosity, as long as they weren't damaging his merchandise. I was a little surprised by their choices, when allowed to pick picks. Pick picks. Heh. I mean, I shouldn't have been, but Fred ... well look at it! Ew. Sometimes I'm torn between taking the bovines out more often and just leaving them home.

Picks are all well and good, but I guess one of the things I'm finding out about these two is that traveling works up their appetites. I was busy paying for the picks and not paying them much mind. When I turned around they were in the snacks. At 75 cents apiece, I was a little frustrated. By the time I pulled them out, they'd opened a couple of the packages and were munching away.

So I had to fish out MORE money, paying for their lack of self-control, but this time I took them to the counter with me. Hah! Except, while I was digging around in my purse for loose change (always difficult to find), these two goobers we working their way down the OTHER side of the counter! They made their way into the open display case to get a better look at the ukulele we'd seen when coming into the store. They'd been practically jumping out of my hands earlier when I'd bent down to show it to them, so I guess they were pretty stoked about it. Obviously. Look at them! They're practically drooling over it! I can't tell you how profusely I had to apologize for this. See if I take them anywhere again ...

I considered talking to the owner and asking if he needed mascots for his shop, when I remembered that Buster, here, is the shop mascot. Isn't he the most adorable thing? One of these days I'm going to buy one of these t-shirts. I wonder if they come in Kow size ...

Moo to You!

Flea

Seeing Eye Cows

2008-04-08T18:21:00.009-05:00

As Bessie's wont to say, Holy Pie! What a day! It started at 3 AM, with a hail storm, of all things. The bovines slept through it. They were the only ones in town who did. Golf ball sized hail, people! Cars all over town look dimpled, poor things. It seems the Hunny's roof wasn't spared the dimples like we thought.

Once we got up again (it was a long night), Fred and Bessie accompanied me to the optometrist! I went in for the one week check up on my contacts. After the extensive exams I had a couple of weeks ago, I was really hoping that this would be my one and only pair. Alas, it was not to be. The left one actually jumped out of my eye on Saturday while climbing. Just said, "I'm outta here!" and leaped! And my vision has been all "swimmy" all week. She's ordering another pair. I love my eye doctor. Both of them.

One reason I love her so is that her staff, whom I love equally as much *mwah*, let the bovines wander around the office. I'm sure they don't let small children wander the way they did the cows. But before they wandered, they had to be told the rules. The joke was on the staff, though. The bovines can't read! Ha! That didn't seem to stop them from trying though!

The two seemed drawn to this woman who was blowing them kisses. Well ... Fred is checking out the glasses. I think they're a little big for him. We tried them on but they didn't fit so well.

I had no idea Bessie was such a girly girl. I guess the flowered collar should have been a give away, but seriously! She climbs, she's been thrown in jail, she gets all messy with crawfish and she licks the butter, for Pete's sake! Shh! She doesn't know that I know about the butter.

But here's the proof: she's posing with the pink Candies! Rather fetching, isn't it, pink on Bessie? I think I like her girly.

Of course Fred had to get his macho self in on the action. Personally, I was pleased with the backdrop, but I think he's sending mixed messages. The poor bull doesn't know which end is up.

He and Bessie seemed to like the mirror the most. In fact, I practically had to peel the two of them away. The kind lady who always remembers my name and the children's came in to fit someone for frames and needed the mirror, but it practically took an act of congress to convince these two that it wasn't designed specifically for them! Vanity, thy name is Kow. They do make a handsome couple, but they need to learn a little self control. You'd think they'd never seen a mirror! Wait ... I don't think they have ...

We finally made it out of the frame room and back to the receptionist's desk, where the nice lady waited for the cows. Alright, she was really waiting for me, but Fred and Bessie don't know that, so just hush. They think she's a fan!

So there's our day out and about. The bovines seem to be getting the hang of traveling and I've found them more than once waiting by the door. They're worse than the dogs! We'll see what adventures await tomorrow!

Moo to You!

Flea

Day Tripping

2008-04-07T16:53:00.008-05:00

Just so you know, I may or may not come back to the tale of the calf. I think I'll have to, if only so the calf is named. In the meantime, Fred and Bessie have been having real life adventures! Today they made it as far as the Panera on the corner. They found a comfy corner where we could sip our coffee and eat our pastry. What good cows they are.

They're holding our spot so no one takes the chairs. Smart thinking, bovines! It worked, too, and no one dared take either my camera or my purse while they held down the fort. Yeah, I love Tulsa.

Sitting next to them was the perfect sign, see? Savor two favorites! I do! I do!

While my friend and I chatted, F&B were busy little cows. Too busy. I was so wrapped up in the conversation that I forgot about my chocolate pastry and coffee. Next thing I know, I look down to see this:

Bad cows! Bad!!! No more Panera for you! How on earth the two of them managed to finish off my entire pastry and coffee, I'll never know. I'm just grateful that the coffee came with refills. Those stinkers.

So I went back for a second cup, as did my friend. They didn't go near her bagel, but I'm pretty sure that's because it was in a paper bag and the rustling paper would have tipped us off to their activity.

We went back to our delighful conversation, and next thing I knew, I looked down to see this! Those sneaky little bovines were trying to snag the coffees AGAIN!

This time I put them in my purse. They stayed there for the rest of the conversation. So there's a tip to you, when the little ones continue to misbehave. Stick 'em in your purse. Works like a charm.

Moo to You!

Flea

Despair

2008-04-06T15:25:00.001-05:00

(Continued from last post)

Terrified, she mooed as loudly as she could. Bessie knew the unspoken rule about the Giants: Never, under any circumstances, give them any indication that you were real. Ever. Fear ensured that the rule never be broken, but Bessie had had no real desire to let the Giants in on their secret anyway. They weren’t the kindest creatures, they smelled awful and their voices hurt her ears. Why give them any reason to spend MORE time with her? As far as she knew, this rule had always been in place, never broken.

Until tonight. There was a bull calf suckling, and she couldn’t and wouldn’t let him stop, and Fred looked like he was dying, but she couldn’t go to him. Even if she could, there was nothing she could do for him. Alerting the Giants was really her only alternative if she didn’t want to watch Fred die. And she didn’t want to watch Fred die.

Bessie stared at the clock on the stove. Even though she couldn’t understand what the glowing things meant, exactly, she knew that it would only be a short time until the redheaded Giant let the dogs out and made the coffee. She mooed more loudly than before, non-stop, hoping that she could at least wake the dogs. Nothing. Listening as her last moo bounced around the kitchen, it was apparent she couldn’t be heard. And looking at Fred, it might be too late. He was on his side now, face ashen, breathing rapid, and eyes twitching. Huge porcelain tears rolled down Bessie’s cheeks.

The evening’s excitement and trauma had all been too much for her. She closed her eyes, bowed her head and sobbed uncontrollably. What should have been the happiest moment in her life was the saddest. Even hurting beyond belief, shattered emotionally, bone china weary, her mind raced with the possibilities of what could have gone differently, how she could have responded to Fred’s question, how she shouldn’t have helped him onto the bowl, all the “what ifs”. Then she began to grow angry with Fred, thinking he was so big and tough, going up the side of that bowl, mad that he even took her request seriously! He KNEW she didn’t like apples! He just wanted to show off! This was all his fault!

It was no use. The excuses, the anger, the despair – all drained her so. She needed to give everything she had to the calf right now. He had just finished eating and had folded himself up beneath her. She took the opportunity to step around him and check on Fred. Standing over him, Bessie began to softly sing Fred’s favorite song, “Old MacDonald”. She watched as his breathing slowed and his eyes stopped twitching. She sang every verse she knew as his sides resumed a normal rhythm. Then she went back to her calf, gently nudged and pushed him till he was near Fred, and lay down next to the both of them, giving them both the warmth and comfort they needed, allowing herself to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

(who knows?)

The Room Spins ...

2008-04-05T21:09:00.000-05:00

(Continued)

Is that a calf? That can’t be a calf. Fred was going into shock from the loss of porcelain and found he couldn’t think straight. He could have sworn he’d just seen Bessie give birth to a black and white calf. She was trying to say something to him, but the sound was coming from a mile away, and the light around her was beginning to grow fuzzy and dim. In fact, the entire room was swimming now. Good thing he was lying down or he’d fall over and break. Wait … he’d already done that today, right? Or was that last week? Was it even him, or had it been Bessie? No! Bessie just gave birth to a … to a … a kitten? That couldn’t be right. Why was it so dark in this kitchen? And why was he so sleepy? Just a few minutes shut eye …

(To be continued)

The Dance

2008-04-04T12:42:00.000-05:00

Fred and Bessie were restless today and decided to dance. They were joined by friends new and old.

Something Happens

2008-04-04T10:28:00.000-05:00

(Continued from last post)

What is he doing?! Why is he here, next to me? Does he have any idea what kid of damage has been done to him, how much he’s doing right now, just standing? Argh!

She stared at Fred long and hard, puzzled as to how to make him understand what was happening in her, as she didn’t fully know herself. Puzzled as to how to make him lie back down, minimize the hurt to himself. What WAS he thinking? He was in far worse shape than she. Didn’t he understand that? Stupid, stupid bull. And as for the butter … it certainly did make her feel better.

Another pain! This time it seemed to have purpose, to be more concentrated, low and central in her belly. About where the calf would be. About where the calf would be! If she weren’t in so much pain, Bessie though she might do a jig of her own. The calf was coming! What now? What now?! A soft place to birth the calf … the butter! Of course! What better place! Think, think, think. It shouldn’t be long now, as targeted and hard as the pains were. The pain subsided again, but she thought that the next one might be the last. She needed to get up onto the butter dish before … before what?

“Fred? Fred, I think the calf will be here soon. Fred? Did you hear me?” He looked stunned, poor thing. She had nearly forgotten what he’d been through this evening. How was she going to care for Fred and her calf at the same time? Oh pie! I wonder if I can slow this down? Fred needs to lie down before he hurts himself. I can’t repair him if something happens now.

“Bessie? Did you say that the calf is coming?” His words came slowly, seemingly from far away. She could see shock begin to set in as the events of the evening caught up with him. The chalky white of his features was apparent even in the dim light. She had to do something before the next wave hit.

“Fred,” as she sidled up next to him, “why don’t you just lie down right here. I can handle this by myself. It’s the most natural thing in the world. But I can’t do it well if I have to worry about you. Lie down. Please. There … thank you. You just close your eyes and be still so I don’t worry about you, okay? It’s the best thing you can do right … mooo!”

Before she could get onto the butter plate, the next pain struck with a vengeance, bolting her to the spot. She felt an urgent need to squeeze, to clamp down with her stomach muscles and push hard, so she did … and did, and did, for what seemed forever. At first she thought nothing was happening, but the urge to push wouldn’t let up, so she kept clamping down. Then, slowly, she felt it – the calf beginning to crown and make its way out. Hoorah! Just a little more … there! And she felt it drop to the counter, where a soft *thunk* was heard. She’d done it.

Turning to look below her, Bessie saw the softest, stickiest little black and white mess ever. It put the jam slick to shame for its stickiness. But its big brown eyes looked up at her with a sweetness which melted her heart. She reached with her tongue to clean it, marveling at the cool, porcelain hide beneath the mucus, and found that she’d had a son. A little bull. As she cleaned, she paid attention to his features, his markings. He was beautiful. Bessie watched as he struggled to his feet to suckle, feeling the warm rush of milk release for the first time. What bliss! A bull calf! And he looked so much like Fred.

Fred! Bessie turned to see Fred staring as though his eyes would pop out of his head. He was struggling to rise again, so she shushed him, telling him to be still. He didn’t have it in him to rebel, so she watched him settle, turning back to her calf. Then turned back to Fred. “Fred? It’s a bull. A bull! And he looks like you! What shall we name him? Fred?” She paled as she realized that Fred had gone completely white and his breathing was shallow and strained. Dang that bull! She’d told him to lie down and stay put the first time. There was no way she could move right now.

(to be continued)

Doh!

2008-04-03T20:17:00.000-05:00

Oh geez. Here I sit wondering why no one is commenting, only to find that y'all ARE! It helps to put my email address in the comment notification section of the setup, huh? Doh!

Question, since I have you here: I know there are kids out there who enjoy F&B, but that the last few F&B stories are not really for children, and there are no pictures. I want to make this site more kid friendly, but I'm really having fun writing! I'm so TORN! Opinions? Anyone?

Moo to You!

Flea

Something's Seriously Wrong

2008-04-03T18:24:00.000-05:00

(Continued from the last post)

Fred came to in a cold sweat, trying desperately to remember where he was and what had just happened. Disoriented. The searing pain in his side brought everything back in a flash. Bessie! Where was Bessie? She’d worked so hard to mend him. Now where had she gone? He hadn’t even retrieved her apple. She must be exhausted and starving, having made the long walk to the laundry room and back.

Gently, far more slowly than he liked, Fred turned his head to find her. He swiveled slowly back and in the opposite direction until he caught sight of her, resting against the butter, her favorite spot. She claimed she loved the feel of the cool, creamy texture, but he knew that she occasionally snuck little nibbles. He also knew she jealously guarded the butter from the giant orange cat who loved its creamy taste. Bessie looked so peaceful after the evening’s ordeal; a well-deserved break. Dang it! She’d left the glue out! Maybe he could make his way over and …

What on earth?! Fred watched, startled, as Bessie’s belly seized up, her whole face tightening and her body shuddering. He heard a low moo escape her muzzle and was instantly on his feet. Then flat on his back with a thud. There was no way he was moving any time soon. Shoot!

“Bessie? Bessie!” She looked over, porcelain face white, teeth clenched and eyes screwed up tight, glaring at him. As quickly as it all began, she relaxed as though nothing had happened. He couldn’t have been imagining things, could he?

“Fred, how are you feeling? No, don’t try moving. You’re badly hurt, but there’s not much more I can do. I think I found all the pieces. You just rest, okay?” He could hear it in her voice, the pain and weariness. So he wasn’t imagining things. Something was wrong. But Fred knew better than to ask directly. He opened his mouth, but she continued, “Fred, the Giants are going to know something bad happened. I left the glue out. And you’re a mess, Fred. The redhead will know immediately, even if she is a little spacey. She likes us too much. I can’t … moooo!!”

This time he wasn’t going to lie there and watch her in agony. Not if it killed him. Not after he’d misjudged her so badly. Fred struggled slowly to his feet, keeping his eyes on Bessie, trying to gauge the amount of pain she must be feeling. “Bessie? What is it? What’s wrong? I’m coming, Bessie. Just hold on …”

Grimacing and leaning hard into the butter, she glared at him, daring him with her eyes to take another step, But the soft groans she emitted belied the look and he dragged himself to her side, nearly toppling with every step. This was harder than he’d imagined anything could be. But here he was next to Bessie, and there she was, licking the butter and heaving great sighs. The pain seemed to be gone. Again.

“Um, Bessie? Has this been going on long? What’s happening to you? Bessie! Stop eating that butter! What’s WRONG?!” Fred had her attention now, but she was silent, staring at him as though measuring his character, weighing whether or not she could trust him. “For Pete’s sake, Bessie, we’ve been through enough already. Just tell me what’s going on!?

He knew this display of temper, truly fear on his part, would only serve to shut Bessie’s mouth, ensuring an evening of silence on her part. But neither could he stand silently, ignoring the pain, not knowing! It seemed he had no choice, however, so he lay next to the butter dish to wait. He’d learned long ago that her silence spoke volumes. That his silence was the only way to unlock hers.

(to be continued ...)

Bessie's Story

2008-04-02T11:53:00.000-05:00

(continued from last post)

Holy Crap! I can’t believe he’s going to try this for me! I shouldn’t have said anything. I shouldn’t have said anything. I shouldn’t have said anything. One little request and he’s going into the bowl, just for me. Holy crap.

After the morning she’d had with Fred, Bessie wasn’t sure how to tell him what she wanted, but he kept pushing her to talk, to tell him what she needed right now. So she was pregnant. Big deal! Did he really think he’d be able to give her what she really needed? For him to just keep his big, fat mouth shut for a couple of hours? That certainly wasn’t going to happen. And if he and his loud mouth brought the wrath of the Giants on their heads, who KNOWS what would come of it. But he kept pushing to know what was going on, how the calf was doing, what he could get for her, so she’d said the first thing that popped into her head, “I would really love an apple right now.” Where did THAT come from? An apple? She didn’t even like apples! They’re horse food! She might as well be craving dog biscuits or Swiss rolls!

Pushing past Fred, hoping he’d drop this insane notion that he could retrieve a piece of fruit from the impossibly high, impossibly smooth-sided bowl, Bessie made to leave. She stopped when Fred spoke, far too loudly in the quiet kitchen, and she shushed him. He stood demanding that she help him – help him! – in his scheme to procure fruit. This was doomed to failure. He was making her nervous, going through with this, continually talking, when they both knew noise was their enemy here. But she obliged and put out her hoof to boost Fred up the side of the bowl when he asked.

Bessie grunted as Fred shifted his weight, which was considerable, to her aching back. The calf was due any day and her poor back was already a mess, with the heavy uterus weighing her down, gravity straining everything. I wish he were just up there already! Oh! What will I do when he brings one down? Crap. I can’t eat an apple. I’d pull the old I-don’t-want-it-anymore routine, but I know he’ll be furious if I don’t eat it after all of this. Crap.

Looking up she saw Fred attempt a little jig on the side of the bowl. What on earth? What was he doing? She noticed, in the dim light from the light of the kitchen stove clock, that there were tiny fissures running the length and width of Fred’s side. Foolish bull! Then Bessie felt an involuntary shudder, and watched as Fred tumbled from the rim, doing somersaults. If he weren’t about to shatter into a million pieces, Bessie might have enjoyed the graceful fall. There was no way that he was going to make it out alive. Crap. Where would that leave her? A single momma cow, clueless about this kitchen. This was NOT good.

Fred hit with a crash, pieces of him flying everywhere. If he had been plastic, this wouldn’t have happened. He would have been more flexible, for one thing. Then it hit Bessie like a ton of bricks. Fred really WAS hurt. And she was there, staring at his broken hide, looking into his eyes, seeing the shock and pain. Fred, who never hurt, who was always tough, who kept it together at all costs. Fred had a huge hole in his side and the pieces were everywhere! CRAP!

It seemed like forever that she stood staring at Fred, at the gaping wound in his side, wishing she were elsewhere, wishing she’d kept her mouth shut, wishing he’d been less of a jerk, or less thoughtful, wishing the ground would open and swallow her whole. She heard a raspy bark from Fred and realized that he was yelling at her, weak as he sounded. Something about glue. Oh! First aid! She should help! Of course!

Turning toward the counter edge, Bessie hurried as fast as she could, fighting the suction of the jam from the Giant children’s lunch making. They were such messy calves, always leaving giant crumbs and jam slicks, which were difficult to wade through on a good day. The crumbs, she’d be the first to admit, were wonderfully delicious, being whole grain and toasted. But the jam … she was angry now. If the Giant children’s jam caused Fred to die before she could get back … but no, she wasn’t going to think about Fred dying.

Bessie turned to maneuver herself over the side of the counter, using some techniques which she and Fred had perfected while exploring the house. When she’d reached the bottom, she knew that the only thing to fear was the giant cat who sometimes roamed freely, that he was more playful at night and more likely to bat her into a wall and do some serious damage. One day they’d have to bell that stupid cat. But Bessie kept moving, working her way toward the laundry room where they’d found a tube of Super Glue in one of their travels.

While dodging dining room chairs, Bessie thought about how far she’d come since she’d met Fred. She was such a wuss in those days, afraid of her own shadow. Sure, she was still a pretty nervous Nellie, but not nearly as fearful as she once was. Fred had taught her to live life to the fullest, to take opportunities as they came, to jump in with both hooves, consequences be damned. Alright, so she was still the one who thought through the consequences when they were on the brink of some new danger or adventure, but the point was that she was more willing! More daring than she’d ever been!

So why did Fred still treat her as though she was a little calf, a damsel in distress, in need of rescue? And why did he always address her with that underlying scorn, reproach? So she was cautious still! Thank the good Lord above that someone was, or they’d have both been dead many times over!

Bessie’s thoughts grew more heated as she made her way up the shelves in the laundry room, located the glue and made her way back to the counter. She half expected Fred to be dead, given the stress fissures before the fall and the size of the hole, not to mention the force of the impact. Tackling the route up the cabinets, Bessie resolved to be brave, regardless of what met her at the top, to repair the damage as best she could. She began to focus on where she remembered seeing the pieces and the best way to reassemble everything for the most efficient repair. The sight that met her eyes at the top stopped her in her tracks.

It was just Fred. Just Fred. Everything came back to her – the day he found her, terrified and on the verge of certain death, unable to save herself. One of the horrid Giant children had set her teetering on the edge of the counter, then the red headed Giant had called the calf away and Bessie had been stranded, left for dead. Fred had come along just then and grabbed her tail in his mouth, pulling her to safety. It was all over for her, love at first sight. But that was because his mouth had been full and she didn’t know of what he was capable. That wasn’t exactly fair. Fred won her heart with his romantic talk, quoting poetry and singing to her. His words were what cemented it for her. The thing she loved most about him. And here he was, lying helplessly, side broken open, just staring at her.

Strengthened in her resolve, Bessie set to work on the plan she’d worked through, pulling everything together. It took longer than she’d hoped, but Fred’s gaze kept her going. She finally finished up and, exhausted, dropped the glue bottle. She didn’t care anymore what the Giants thought of the glue being out. Hell, Fred had cracks all over his body that weren’t there earlier in the day. Let them think what they wanted. She was done. Spent. And she needed time to think.

As she leaned against the cool, creamy butter (her favorite resting place), Bessie felt slight tremors run through her middle. Frightened, she jumped and gasped. Maybe the adrenaline rush produced this reaction? There it was again! Bessie looked to Fred, only to find his eyes closed and mouth slightly open in a snore. He’d had a rough time of it, poor thing and the … oh! There it was again! This time there was a pain accompanying the shaking, grabbing her middle in giant pinchers and shaking her, it seemed. How horrible this new sensation! Bessie considered waking Fred, but the feeling subsided. She closed her eyes and leaned into the butter again, wanting sleep to swallow her whole and never release her.

Again with the pain and shaking belly! It was all Bessie could do this time to stand upright and remain calm. Should she wake Fred? This was disconcerting, this sudden pain, followed by its disappearance. There … there, it was gone again. No, she’d let Fred sleep and just be patient each time a wave came. No need to bother him, especially in his current condition. There was nothing he could do anyway.

(to be continued ...)

The Apples

2008-04-01T06:32:00.000-05:00

Full belly swaying, Bessie flicked her tail as she brushed past Fred on the cutting board. The Edinburgh Cows had nothing on Fred, he thought, as he flexed his porcelain muscles and prepared to climb.

“Do you hear the dogs whimpering? They hate thunderstorms.” said Fred.

“Shh!” whispered Bessie, “The giants will hear us!”

“I’m doing this for you. Give me a hoof, will ya?” hissed Fred, stomping across the board, fuming over Bessie’s nervous reaction, nervous himself about the midnight raid to calm her cravings. Just then a loud crack resounded in the still night kitchen as lightning fanned across the appliances. Bessie’s front right hoof wouldn’t stay still and it was driving Fred nuts. “Calm down, okay? It’s gonna be alright. Just give me a hoof already!”

Bessie sidled up to Fred, sticking out her leg and making a face. As Fred began to climb, he placed a hoof on Bessie’s back, grunting with the effort, stress fractures radiating across his porcelain sides. The glow of the stove-top clock illuminated his climb just enough to allow the bovine to make it to the top of the apple bowl. Reaching the rim, Fred let out a little yelp, pleased with his success.

Just then, he slipped on a Golden Delicious, sending him plummeting to the counter top below. In slow motion Bessie watched helplessly as Fred tumbled, hitting the surface with a splintering sound, fragments of porcelain flying. Her eyes grew round with fright as they met Fred’s. He could see the damage reflected there, and realized that he couldn’t feel his legs. The thought occurred to him that Bessie was also hurt, as she wasn’t moving either. Well that didn’t make sense. “Bessie! Is your brain addled? What are you doing just standing there? Go find help! Super Glue, Liquid Nails, something! Well? Get moooooving!” He often lapsed into Moo when angry or afraid.

The jagged split in Fred’s side was cause for concern, sending Bessie scurrying across the sticky countertop to find first aid. Her hoofs made little *schmook* noises as she scurried away, irritating Fred and distracting him from the pain spreading through his body. Why on earth does she make me crazy? How can I love her so much, yet want to smack her at the same dang time? And APPLES, for Pete’s sake! HORSES eat apples! What is wrong with her?

Lying there on his back, Fred pondered the cracks in the ceiling, wondering if Bessie had found help and when she would return with the Super Glue. While he lay helpless, Bessie dodged the dining room chairs as she made her way to the laundry room to search for the glue. Fred just knew that she would get lost, lose her grip on the glue, or otherwise meet some impossible obstacle. She always failed. Now, when he needed her the most, she was liable to freeze up and let him down. Bessie was worthless in an emergency.

It was an emergency that got them into this mess, sort of. The day Fred found her, Bessie was teetering at the edge of the counter, sniffling and giving him Bambi eyes, hopeful that he’d be her Prince Charming. She was paralyzed by fear, unable to back away, in need of rescue, and Fred had been foolish enough to grab her tail in his mouth and pull her to safety. She never did tell him how she got into that mess. He half suspected it was a set up. If he’d known then what he knew now … well, there no point in self-pity. They had a little calf on the way and Bessie needed him.

Where in tarnation was she? It had been an eternity so far, or at least it seemed like it. And his legs still wouldn’t work. In fact, Fred couldn’t feel anything from the neck down and it had him concerned. What if glue didn’t work? What if the damage was too extensive? Worse, what if Bessie didn’t come back? What if she’d finally had enough of his snide remarks and took advantage of this opportunity to escape, leaving him there, broken and alone? No, she wouldn’t do that. She needed him too much. And he knew full well that there were no other bulls in the house. Unless … unless the giants decided to replace him if he was broken. Oh no!

Glancing over his shoulder, Fred glimpsed the black and white top of Bessie’s head cresting the counter. He heaved a sigh of relief, grateful for her return. He watched as she pulled herself up, hauling a tube of Super Glue in her mouth, her look now one of sheer determination. Fred made a mental note to ask her, when this was over, what she’d gone through to get the glue and make it back. A whole new appreciation for Bessie was making its way into his estimation of her. She schmook schmook schmooked her way back to Fred, shaking her head to open the tube as she came.

Stunned, Fred saw Bessie with new eyes as she picked up the scattered shards and pieced them together, making sure they all fit properly before gluing them together, then fitting them into the hole in his side and gluing everything back. She also ran a bead of glue along each of the cracks which had spider webbed their way across his body, ensuring he’d heal quickly. What had made such a difference in her in such a short time? It dawned on Fred that he might not know Bessie the way he thought he did. Maybe he didn’t even want to know what made this difference?

To be continued ...

Moo to You!

Flea

Sno Cowz

2008-03-29T23:05:00.000-05:00

My favorite lol cowz creation so far, after Obi Wan, is this:

moar funny pictures

I love it so much, I put it on a t-shirt! Really.

Moo to You!

Flea

Laugh Out Loud, plz

2008-03-29T13:53:00.000-05:00

A friend in the bloggy world, Zobabe of Next Day's News, has created several of the odious lolspeak pictures for me. I say odious, but I've come to enjoy the grammatically challenged photos. Take a gander at this one:

moar funny pictures
http://mine.icanhascheezburger.com/view.aspx?ciid=857507

Honestly, when the photos are of creatures I know and love, I find them amusing. Here's another:

moar funny pictures
http://mine.icanhascheezburger.com/view.aspx?ciid=856897

Don't you love it? I'm learning to.

Moo to you!

Flea

Another Owl Picture

2008-03-27T22:40:00.001-05:00

Yes, I'm experimenting with Paint and the cows.

Moo to You!

Flea

Alien Abduction

2008-03-27T18:01:00.001-05:00

Just a hint of what's to come? Alright. Here:

Moo to You!

Flea

First Video

2008-03-27T08:50:00.000-05:00

Hello from Formica Fields! Today I present Fred and Bessie's very first video, The Barnyard Dance! Expect Formica Fields to be fully functioning by early April, and stay tuned for a contest about that time! You won't want to miss the prizes!

Moo to you!

Flea

Coming Soon!

2008-03-15T15:55:00.001-05:00

Coming to a computer near you, April first! Formica Fields - the adventures of Fred and Bessie!